When There Are Nine —Including the Female Point of View

“When I’m sometimes asked, ‘When will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court]?’ and I say, ‘When there are nine,’ people are shocked. But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that.” -Ruth Bader Ginsberg

A while back I gave a presentation on recovering from burnout to a mixed-gender audience. A presentation I routinely give, that most groups find enormously helpful in reframing their burnout and taking steps to address their underlying feelings of betrayal, which cause burnout.

In my presentation I talk briefly about my own experience burning out from the practice of law and the unmet expectations I had that led to burning out. Some of those unmet expectations included things like realizing how six weeks of maternity leave was nowhere near enough time for me to feel emotionally or physically ready to step back into a demanding full-time career, and my frustration of having so much emphasis placed on my “executive presence,” (ahem, my looks) instead of my actual capabilities.

So, it caught me off guard when one man approached me afterword and said, “Your presentation would be far more powerful if you left out all the woman references. Men just can’t relate.”

I thanked him for his feedback and went back home to take a second look at my presentation, to see where I might be able to put in more gender inclusive stories and references.

Then it hit me.

The vast majority of life in the United States is lived from the male-perspective. I have always been the one who has adapted to the male way of doing things. Our history is taught from the male perspective, our culture is male centric, (hello! It’s called the patriarchy because it’s about men!) and just about every system or workplace we have is built around the male perspective.

And you’re telling me I’m supposed to “worry about” being too female-centric in sharing examples of my own life, so I don’t lose you?

Deep breath.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being inclusive and in no way, shape, or form do I think it’s right to exclude men or anyone. The content of my work is gender neutral, but my stories are my own. I identify as a woman. My lived experience is that of a woman. I am telling you about my experience in your system, and no, it was not easy, nor did not work well for me long-term.

I managed, as do millions of other women, but now I’m telling my story and if it makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. What can you do differently to better understand? To be able to relate more with my experience? I’m not trying to shut you out; I’m trying to bring you in, and story is the best way I know to help you understand my experience. So try listening to me.

The snarky part of me wanted to say, “Welcome to the club, buddy! Women have put up with this for years and you’re just gonna have to deal with it!” But that’s not the side of myself I choose to lean into.

Yes, we’ve been shut out by a male-centric point of view thousands of times. Whether it’s moments of discomfort when someone mentions “locker room talk,” and everyone chuckles knowingly, or putting up with endless sports references, we’re tired of being the ones to conform to you and your view of life. It’s your turn to stretch and hear ours. No, I’m not asking you to conform, I’m simply asking you to hold space, to make room for a different point of view.

After all, haven’t we all agreed the traditional ways of doing life and business is overly stereotypical, toxic, and unsustainable? By supporting one perspective only, aren’t you perpetuating a system you don’t believe in either? Doing that harms you as well as it harms the rest of us?

Aren’t we both tired of that story?

Can’t we both lean into our inclusive sides, where we can all learn, make mistakes, grow, and ultimately see life from a wide variety of perspectives?

Can’t there be room at the table for presentations, stories, books, trainings, movies, companies, and systems that operate from the female perspective yet are viewed (and accepted as legitimate) by men as well as by women? It reminds me of the late Justice Ginsberg’s comment:

“When I’m sometimes asked, ‘When will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court]?’ and I say, ‘When there are nine,’ people are shocked. But there’d been nine men, and nobody’s ever raised a question about that.” -Ruth Bader Ginsberg

When will we have true gender equality? Well, in the words of the Notorious RBG, when all movies, presentations, books, trainings, systems, and organizations are built from and around the feminine perspective. Because up until recently, nobody’s ever raised a question or been shocked about the world being built around men.

For more on gender equality, check out my TEDx on Uncovering Bias in Gender and Women’s Sexuality at: https://youtu.be/TyWy14N22XQ